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Emerald Green

by Marigolding

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1.
From Memory 04:28
I remember when ‘Cause I remember everything until I forget And then when I do, I up and erase the days Sunk to the floor I’d been thinking of my brothers About something I cannot recall So I close my eyes and count to ten Stick with me now I’m driving through the night When I had a car I had it all In these turning trees, I thought I heard you calling out Still in the air I’d been thinking of my mother About something I cannot It’s all I’ve got It holds me down and won’t let up So I close my eyes and count to ten Remembering once what you had said: Well you held me once when I was there An outstretched hand is all I am
2.
Offering 03:48
When I couldn’t sleep that night, should’ve known right then that I wasn’t alright. I was shivering up in the sheets, thinking death. Swatting flies away from the meat, throwing rocks at feral dogs in the street. Someone told me that somebody died from a snake bite here last year. Burning up into the greying sky, thinking: who might build one when I die? It was all I could do. If you asked me there in the muggy air Are you gonna be alright man? I’d have laughed ‘cause it’s all I could do. When I lost myself back there, well I couldn’t breathe for the smoke in the air coming off the plastic and trash, burning high. Getting dizzy sick in the street, and you stopped up the way just ahead of me. I was staring down at my feet, at an offering of flowers burning up into the greying sky, thinking: who might build one when I die? It was all I could do. If you asked me there in the muggy air Are you gonna be alright man? I’d have laughed ‘cause it’s all I could do.
3.
Backyard rink taught us how to skate. Fog lights so we could stay out late. Snow plowed paths just for the dogs— fetching pucks and running to the woods. Before the sun, breathing into boots. Listening to ZLX with you. Quizzing me—who does this one? I only ever got a couple wrong. I remember hearing I’d be an older brother soon. And we were moving but I could choose the color of my room. I used to wait up all night long, waiting to hear you turn the TV off. And I thought for a second I killed Ev when I split his head. So I ran screaming, plus I thought I might’ve ruined the rug. And when I buried my first dog, our old neighbor helped me lower him into the ground.
4.
Backing down the driveway God, it’s early. Fuck, it’s freezing. The wind is lapping at the glass, I’m cold, I’m young. I call you on my way and ask if you’d like coffee. I hear you sigh, I see my breath inside the car. Right hand turn, a little ice— spinning under streetlights— Love, if you could see me now, like this, I wonder if— Begging me to slow down— Why would I forgive you? And why would you forgive me? I wanted to forgive you. Crawling all the hills and taking all the turns to your house— I’m crunching over snow, you know my two-door was never meant to. And nine years later these roads stand to make me nauseous. They look alike and make me think of death and doing everything too long. Right hand turn, a little ice— spinning under streetlights— Love, if you could see me now, like this, I wonder if— Begging me to slow down— Why would I forgive you? And why would you forgive me? I wanted to forgive you.
5.
Comfortable 04:00
I know I’ve been wrong before, but sometimes I’m alright. Turning fall surrounds— that empty sound. It’s in the air, hollowed out. But I wouldn’t dare just get comfortable. Shake me alive, and get out. Love, I’ve been here before— digging up more of mine. Bending with the light. The morning I watch it all streaming by. Callous in the cold. I’m growing old but thinking I’ll sleep it off. But I wouldn’t dare just get comfortable. Shake me alive and get out. Love, I’ve been here before— digging up more of myself. Love, don’t get comfortable. Shake me alive and get out. Love, I’ve been here before— digging up more of mine.
6.
I’m a killer myself, but I could use the help. ‘Cause hell would lock us out just for loving ourselves. I’m the weight of the world. I’m whatever you see first. I’m the blue of the Earth. Up above, in the birches, I thought I saw God. I’m not the watering pail. I’m the rain that turns to hail and hurts like hell. I’m not the deer on the ice. I’m the second you think twice and worry you might. At the sink, in the kitchen, I stop the water to hear that crimson cardinal— eyes grown wide with fear. And I know its name, but I’m scared to say— when I feel what I felt, I just turn it away. But quiet to myself, I start to pray. At the sink, in the kitchen, I stop the water to hear that crimson cardinal— eyes grown wide with fear. And I know its name, but I’m scared to say— when I feel what I felt, I just turn it away. When I see what I saw, I turn my head away. But I owe it to myself, I.
7.
Canton 02:18
You’re cutting up watermelon with the big knife I’m not supposed to touch. And later on, we’re tying shoes. I’m feeling pretty good about it now. Someday. I don’t know. It’s just like you said: Do what you can while you can. Swimming laps, I’m keeping up. But I can’t hold my breath as long as you yet. And drying off on the porch, watching Price is Right and eating snacks. Grandma makes tomato sauce. My mum comes to pick me up. I show her I can tie my shoes. She says Whoa baby, look at you!

about

Emerald Green is about the fear of forgetting who and what has made one who they are—and resolving to always remember. It's a handful of vignettes, a note of thanks, and a group of songs that emerged on its own.

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The record revolves around the idea of family—blood and otherwise—so I'd like it to support others, in some small way. 100% of Bandcamp proceeds will go to The Tomorrow Fund, an independent non-profit that provides ​​​​​​​daily financial and emotional support to children with cancer and their families while being treated at Hasbro Children’s Hospital in Providence, RI. My mother has worked there for over twenty years as a nurse, and I am grateful that the stories of the children and families she has helped have been present throughout my life. Please consider purchasing the record on Bandcamp as a charitable donation, even if you listen on another service from then on. Or never listen ever again!

More info on The Tomorrow Fund: www.tomorrowfund.org

Thank you <3

credits

released June 7, 2019

Ryan Kershaw — Vocals, Guitars, Keys
Robin Buyer — Bass
Spencer Inch — Drums, Percussion
Laura Wolf — Cello
Dylan Sherry — Saxophone, Clarinet
Julia Piker — Vocals
Nick Pope — That One Synth Part

Produced by Ryan Kershaw and Robin Buyer
Engineered and Mixed by Robin Buyer
Mastered by Kyle Joseph
Album Art by Ryan Kershaw and Paula Kershaw

Making records is an elaborate excuse to stay connected to the people you love and respect. Many thanks to all who keep up the ruse.

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Marigolding New York

Marigolding is Ryan Michael Kershaw and friends.

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